100-Year-Old Sprinter Implicated in Prescription Drug Scandal
Above: Phillip Rabinowitz's positive drug test renews the age-old debate as to whether Metamusal is a performance-enhancing drug.
CAPE TOWN, South Africa (SP) — In the midst of the Summer Olympics in Athens, the sport of Track and Field once again finds itself mired in a major drug scandal involving a world-class sprinter. Just last month, 100-year-old South African Phillip Rabinowitz made international headlines by shattering the centenarian world record for the 100 metre dash with a time of 30.86 seconds. But now it's being reported that he man known as "Flying Phil" and "Rabino Blitz" has failed a random drug test.
Canadian Olympic Committee Suggests Ways to Boost Medal Count
Above: The only gold medals most Canadian athletes are likely to be biting in Athens are the kind made of chocolate.
[Editor's Note: Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with a travel agent, SP's senior Olympic correspondent Jay Brecher was unable to get to Athens, Greece in time for the opening ceremonies. However, he has been able to report firsthand on all of the latest Olympic news coming out of Athens, Georgia, and will continue to do so for the duration of the 28th Olympiad.]
ATHENS, Georgia (SP) — At every Olympics, an inordinate amount of attention is paid to the "medal count"- the total number of gold, silver and bronze medals won by each country. With Canada winning only 14 medals at the Sydney Olympics, the expectations in Athens are correspondingly low. However, Satiric Press has learned that the Canadian Olympic Committee has prepared a confidential memo in which it suggests ways that Canada might be able to increase its medal count. The following are just a few of those suggestions:
Crashing the Par-Tay
Cocoon 2004: John Kerry Plans to Lay Low Until After Election
Above: Some say that Kerry is merely attempting to emulate his idol, Abraham Lincoln, by relying on others to speak on his behalf during the presidential campaign.
WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — Following the release of a new USA Today/CNN Gallup Poll indicating that presidential hopeful John Kerry's approval rating actually dropped following the Democratic National Convention, Kerry made the surprising announcement that effective immediately, he will not be making any further public appearances until after the November election.
Careful with that Yarmulke, Leonard!
Above: Outtake from Lenny Kravitz's new video, "I Don't Wanna Be A Star"
TORONTO (SP) — On Lenny Kravitz's new CD, Baptism, there is a track called "I Don't Wanna Be A Star". I have not heard this cut, nor do I plan to, but I have read all about it. It seems that Mr. Kravitz has come to the realization that the Rock game isn't all that's it's cracked up to be. What an original thought! But should we really expect anything better from the man who has spent the last decade and a half grave-robbing from the likes of Hendrix and Marley?
Introducing Madonna Teplitsky
Above: Mama Teplitsky was honoured to be included to be included among the pantheon of famous Esthers, until this one came along.
TORONTO (SP) — My mother, whose name is Esther, will never accept or be comfortable with Madonna taking a place in the pantheon of famous Esthers. But then I realized that turnabout is fair play. If Madonna has the gall to proclaim herself Esther, then my mother should and would change her name to Madonna in return.