My Hero!: An Open Letter To Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! Superstar
Above: With a loaded buzzer in his hand, Ken Jennings seems almost invincible, and may in fact never be beaten.
TORONTO (SP) — Ken Jennings, you're my hero! You are without question the greatest individual contestant in game show history. You have so profoundly re-written the record books in your sport that you deserve to spoken about in the same reverential tones reserved for such sporting luminaries as Wayne Gretzky, Lance Armstrong and Michael Jordan. It's as if you're a real-life superhero whose power is to absorb and assimilate the combined knowledge of all those whom you've defeated. Resistance is futile!
Bringing a Little More Color to the Tour de Lance
Above: Jan Ullrich may not have won the yellow jersey this year, but he'd have been a serious contender for the Indigo jersey.
PARIS, France (SP) — Once again, Lance Armstrong has captured the yellow jersey with yet another dominant performance in the Tour de France. While there are other honors given out in this race, including the white jersey for the fastest young rider and the polka dot jersey for the "King of the Mountains", Satiric Press has learned that Tour de France organizers have decided to award the following additional jerseys next year in the hopes of creating a heightened sense of drama in next year's race:
The Curse of The Corr
Above: Dammit Jim, you're not a doctor, and you don't play one on TV!
TORONTO (SP) — A mere two weeks before I was to attend my first Corrs concert, my father had the starring role in a lethal game called organ failure. Years later, tragedy struck once more on the very day that I bought my ticket to their latest Toronto engagement. Damn you Jim Corr!! Why do you hate me so?! I really do love your group's music, and it's not like my physical attraction to your sisters is the only reason that I listen. I swear that their beauty accounts for no more than 80 per cent of my interest. Will you please put away that Voodoo doll you've knitted of me?
Gonna Whoop it Up
Gerbilgate: Gere Reveals Kerry's Other Act of Animal Heroism
Above: Richard Gere describes the heroic rescue mission undertaken by presidential candidate John Kerry.
LOS ANGELES, Calif. (SP) — Cindy [Crawford] and I arrived at Cedar Sinai to discover a serious backlog in the emergency ward. Due to the delicate nature of my situation, I was in no position to use my celebrity status to get to the front of the line. That's when fate and an angel in the form of a man named John Forbes Kerry appeared. He happened to be in the emergency room that night as well due to a minor kite surfing mishap. He could see the pain I was in, and offered to be of assistance in the most non-judgmental of ways. I removed my pants, and using techniques I believe he may have learned during his tour of duty in 'Nam, within minutes, he was able to remove the gerbil from captivity.
One From The Heart: Please Give Us Some Feedback!
Above: If you've seen this man before, then you'd probably recognize our equally attractive scribe, Avrum Moishe.
TORONTO (SP) — I do not pretend to be very computer savvy, so I really could not tell you if the reason for the lack of reader participation on this website is due to technological limitations at our end. Still, it would be nice to know, good or bad, what some of you think of the work created by myself and my more esteemed colleagues. I live to entertain my highly diverse group of readers. Moreover, I am highly interested in engaging the segment of our readership which is predominantly young, female and heterosexual. But please don't blame me if this doesn't include you.
The Campaign For Real Rock
Above: In the tradition of Lawrence Welk, Justin Timberlake is a brilliant conductor. Just keep him away from the instruments!
TORONTO (SP) — I'm still dealing with my dishonourable discharge from the KISS Army. Fifteen years of indentured toady service just isn't what it used to be, I guess. I made one little mistake when I suggested to Gene Simmons that he might like to lose a little weight when his girdle didn't fit, and I was ex-communicated like a priest after a five-day bender at a Catholic daycare centre. There's no loyalty or brotherhood in this business anymore.