Editorial: Kippah Club for Men - Baldly Going Where I've Never Gone Before
Above: I'm not just the President, I'm also a client.
TORONTO (SP) — Although I am technically Jewish, I have never been terribly religious. That's about to change, but it's not for any of the reasons that you might think. I'm not suffering from a mid-life crisis. I'm not plagued by questions regarding the meaning of life or my place in the universe. I have not been inspired by Madonna to acquire a deeper and more fully-nuanced understanding of Kabbalah. Rather, I have chosen to embrace my Judaism in order to solve a far more pragmatic, albeit less profound, problem: male pattern baldness.
J.A.M.: Jews Against Madonna
Above: My mother's name is Esther, and you Ma'am are no Esther!
[Ed.: His efforts to achieve world domination having failed, columinst Avrum Moishe has chosen to return to Satiric Press]
TORONTO (SP) — Jews Against Madonna must stand up and unite in our cause, to protest Madonna's use of Kabbalah as a self-promoting tool. We will burn her records, CDs and tapes (okay, nothing before True Blue). And her movies, well that goes without saying. I will personally make the supreme effort to gather up as many copies of her nude works as possible. Then I will stockpile them all in the hopes that one day they will be usable again.
De Pits, by Steve Le Boeuf, B.A. in B.S. (Magna Cum Loud)
Above: Should anyone be foolish enough to disagree with film critic Steve Le Boeuf, it'll be clobberin' time!!!
TORONTO (SP) — It's De-awful, De-garbage and De-merde. What kind of piece of unwatchable tripe is this De-Lovely? Perhaps this film could have been better if it had been directed by another Irwin (or is it Irvin?). Irvin Kirshner directed the 1980 masterpiece The Empire Strikes Back, still the best film in that particular series. He demonstrated a great talent for drawing nuanced performances out of Wookies and Droids alike.
Put Me In Coach: Canadian Party Leaders Choose Professional Sports Over Politics
Above: Basketball is one of the many sports in which Prime Minister Paul Martin dominates the competition.
OTTAWA (SP) — The results of the federal election are now in, but the future political career of each of the party leaders remains very uncertain. Satiric Press has learned that each of them has considering leaving the world of politics in favour of the world of sports to become professional athletes. Sources close to Prime Minister Paul Martin say that he would like to return to his first love, basketball. Just last week, he dazzled a group of inner city schoolchildren at a basketball clinic with his overall game, including a lightning-quick cross-over dribble and a Jordanesque fadeaway jump shot.
All Jennings, All the Time
Above: I have seen the future of the National Post, and his name is Ken Jennings.
TORONTO (SP) — You may have noticed that the National Post newspaper published the exact same article about perennial Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings in two different sections of the paper recently. In fact, the 'double coverage' of Mr. Jennings was completely intentional, and was a precursor of the many additional articles about him that will be appearing in the Post in the days, weeks, and possibly even months ahead. The following are some of the highlights of the Post's upcoming KenJen coverage:
A Clever Idea
Judges Who Unleash 'Incurable Psychopaths' on Society to Billet Them in Own Homes: New Law
OTTAWA, ON (SP) — In a move to help incurable psychopaths better integrate into society, judges and other justice system officials who are responsible for releasing such people from prison will be required to provide living accommodation for them. So states a new law on the books. The law was proposed in order to prevent future occurrences like the 9-hour release-and-re-incarcerate two weeks ago of Martin Ferrier, the 31-year-old, 6-foot-5, 270-pound chronic violent offender released from jail on July 13. Unable to find a place to stay, Ferrier was back in jail within 9 hours of his release, after threatening a reporter and thereby violating one of the release conditions. The new law is an attempt to do a better job at allowing incurable psychopaths to participate more fully in society.