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Former Thai Dictator Offers Words of Wisdom to Canadians
Above: A broken down system of government is nothing that a bloody coup won't fix, says former Thai Dictator Thanom Kittikachorn.

BANGKOK, Thailand (SP) — In the wake of Canada's recent federal election, numerous political pundits have weighed in on the significance of the new Liberal minority government. Mike Duffy, Dakey Dunn, and other astute analysts have now had their say. However, Canadians have always looked abroad for approval, and hence can't help but wonder just what the rest of the world is thinking.

To that end, in what might be described in journalistic terms as a real coup, Satiric Press has managed to track down 92-year-old former Thai Dictator Thanom Kittikachorn to find out his thoughts about the election (apparently, reports of his recent demise have been greatly exaggerated). What follows are selected excerpts from an exclusive interview with the former Field Marshall conducted by SP's Senior Foreign Correspondent, the Ultra-Humanite:

Q: What advice do you have for the Canadian public at large?

A: Canadians have chosen wisely by keeping the same government in power indefinitely. Regime change is essentially an act of disloyalty. However, when one considers the sheer number and magnitude of scandals weathered by the Chretien-Martin continuum, one wonders if the Liberals employ brilliant public relations experts or if it's simply the case that no one is actually paying attention.

It is important to communicate a sense of dissatisfaction with the reigning party. Otherwise, the government will become complacent. Therefore, I suggest a spectacularly bloody coup. I have always questioned the patriotism of a people who never attempt to assassinate their political leaders. Consider the profound sense of irrelevance that Mr. Martin must feel knowing that no one considers him important enough to be worth eliminating. He has my deepest sympathies.

Q: What advice do you have for Prime Minister Paul Martin?

A: Mr. Martin and I have much in common. I remained in power by manipulating the public's fear of communist insurgents, while he has remained at the helm by manipulating the public's fear of a Conservative government.

I would suggest that Mr. Martin string up a few students. Firstly, it will frighten them into submission. Secondly, Mr. Chretien has clearly demonstrated that you can pepper spray a protester one day, and so long as you discuss legalizing some popular narcotic, you'll be perceived to be as cool as a rock star by week's end.

I would also suggest that Mr. Martin spread fear and panic in the populace by generating a fictitious threat to national security and sovereignty. With the right people working in propaganda, you can achieve amazingly effective results. I once successfully convinced the people of Thailand that the Vietnamese had put phallus-shrinking agents in their noodles. People ran to the hospitals in a panic! Vietnamese refugees who fled to my country specifically to escape the communist regime were attacked in the streets for being "phallus-shrinking commies".

A populace willing to believe that the Minister of Finance didn't know about a major sponsorship scandal will find nothing amiss if they are told that Quebec or Alberta separatists have spiked their beloved beer with phallus-shrinking powder. Public Service Announcements to this effect should be aired in the midst of a reality TV series in order to ensure that they are taken seriously.

Finally, I think Mr. Martin should award himself numerous medals for military prowess, because nothing says "legitimate regime" like shiny medals of ambiguous origin.

Above: A jacket full of medals and a feathered helmet go a long way towards establishing a sense of legitimacy, says Kittikachorn.
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