Liberal Party of Canada Changes Name to Maple Leafs
Above: When it comes to AdScam, the puck stops here, says PM Paul Martin.
OTTAWA, ON (SP) — In a desperate attempt to reinvent themselves and turn around their sagging political fortunes prior to the upcoming federal election, the Liberal Party of Canada announced that their official party name has been changed to the Maple Leafs. Effective immediately, all official signs, advertisements and campaign literature will refer to the party as either 'the Maple Leafs' or simply 'the Leafs', and will feature the popular blue and white logo familiar to fans of the Toronto-based hockey team of the same name.
Editorial: Last Night a Rock Star Saved My Life
Above: Grimace finally started drinking low fat milkshakes after his doctor informed him that he had grown morbidly obese.
TORONTO (SP) — Arrivederci Grimace! Sayonara Hamburglar! A Viy Au Zin, Mayor McCheese! Tubby Teplitsky is bidding farewell to the Golden Arches, and you won't have him to fatten up no more. You know, it really is amazing when I think back on the events of the past few days. I never thought that a rock star would save my life, and lift me out of the unhealthy lifestyle I have been indulging in these past few decades. I am a fast food addict. There, I've said it, and I'm not ashamed of myself in the least. They say that a good first step in dealing with a problem is admitting that you have one, and now I've done just that.
Rap Sensation M.P. Broadbent's Latest Oration is Sweeping the Nation
Above: Rapper M.P. Broadbent with a member of his B-Boy Posse, the N.D.W.A.
OTTAWA (SP) — Buoyed by the popularity of a one-minute rap video that Ottawa-Centre NDP candidate Ed Broadbent put on his website, the former party leader has decided to release a full-length version of the rap anthem "Let Your Back Bench Slide". Satiric Press has obtained an exclusive copy of the lyrics to this catchy new song, written and performed by M.P. Broadbent and the N.D.W.A. (New Democrats With Attitude):
Editorial: For the Love of Jack
Above: We know that Jack Layton listens to Jack, but is anyone else listening?
TORONTO (SP) — My existence had become so futile and pathetic that I had pinned all my hopes and dreams on winning a stupid little radio contest. I decided that I would have to step up my game if I was to have any chance of being a winner. Therefore, I quit my hum-drum and unfulfilling job, and decided to listen to Jack FM 24-7. I would eat, sleep and defecate Jack FM in the hopes that the stars and planets would align and make me a winner.
Speaking of health care...
OTTAWA, ON (SP) — Stuck with the seemingly endless reign of a majority government, and don't know what to do? A week away from the federal election and don't know who to vote for? Have no fear, Strateg-o-vote™ is here!