The Satiric Press Guide to Computer Virus Detection and Prevention
Above: Sasser is the disease and Satiric Press is the cure
SATIRIC PRESS HEADQUARTERS (SP) — The Sasser computer virus is merely the latest in a long list of devastating computer viruses that have wreaked havoc with the World Wide Web and brought traffic on the information superhighway to a screeching halt. As a public service to our innumerable net-based readers, we have asked SP's award-winning team of technical support specialists to provide you with a few helpful hints that will enable you to recognize and avoid potentially crippling computer viruses before it's too late. Here are a few things to watch out for the next time you're reading e-mail or surfing the net.
1. E-mail messages containing any of the following characteristics should be treated with great suspicion and deleted immediately:
a. Those with subject lines which contain any of the following words:
Hello, Hi, Cheers, Greetings, Greetings and salutations, Important, My details, Your details, Your information, Your document, Your message, You're welcome, Thanks, Merci beaucoup, Bienvenue, Shalom, Salaam, Konichiwa, Domo Arigato, Danke Shoen, antidisestablishmentarianism, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Re:.
b. Attachments containing any of the following file extensions:
.com, .exe, .txt, .bat, .jpg, .gif, .bmp, .asp, .doc and any other conceivable three letter combination
c. Any of the following types of words, tenses or grammatical errors, if they appear in the body of an unsolicited e-mail message:
Nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, past perfect, present progressive, future imperfect, dangling participles and split infinitives.
2. Do not click on a link to a website if the web address contains any of the following characteristics:
a. The letters http or https immediately preceding the address
b. Alphanumeric prefixes such as www, www2, www3, etc.
c. Any two or three letter suffix, including .com (for example, www.theonion.com), .org, .biz, .edu, .us, .uk, and .ca.
d. individual words or combinations or words written in any known language, including English, French, Ancient Greek, Latin, Babylonian, Aramaic, Sanskrit, Hieroglyphics, Vulcan, Klingon, Huttese, Wookie, Jawa and the binary language of moisture vaporators.
Please note that none of the preceding rules apply to messages containing the words Satiric Press, SP, QED, AMFM, or any combination thereof, nor does it apply to the website http://www.satiricpress.com or any of its subdirectories. In fact, the Satiric Press website contains special virus cleansing software that will eliminate any viruses from your computer as soon as you log onto our website. This software is updated every 24 hours, so we recommend that you set Satiric Press as your homepage, and log on at least once per day in order to ensure that your computer remains virus-free.
Should you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact us at email@example.com. For security reasons, we ask that you put "antidisestablishmentarianism" in the subject line, and compose the message in Aramaic, or if you prefer, using the binary language of moisture vaporators.
Satiric Press Technical Support Department
Above: The latest computer viruses can spread via more than six million forms of communication