Dubya Set to Star in New Reality Show: The Gambler in Chief
Above: Does he know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em?
WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — In an effort to both increase his popularity and turn around a debt-ridden economy prior to the upcoming election, President Bush has agreed to star in a new reality show called "The Gambler in Chief". Over the show's initial 13 episode run, Bush will visit a multitude of casinos in Las Vegas and Atlantic City and attempt to reduce the staggering $7.2 trillion national debt by opening up the public treasury and spending large sums of money on such classic games of chance as poker, blackjack, three card monte and roulette.
Letter to the Editor: Kudos From Yet Another Satisfied Reader
Above: Solomon Grundy and Alphonso Gagliano: Separated at Birth?
SATIRIC PRESS HEADQUARTERS (SP) — Among the many thousands of letters to the editor that we receive on a daily basis, there is occasionally a letter so poignant and eloquent, we deem it to be worthy of publication. The following is such a letter, written by a loyal Satiric Press reader, who was apparently moved to respond to our insinuation that Superman's arch-nemesis, Solomon Grundy, bears more than a passing resemblance to Paul Martin's arch-nemesis, Alphonso Gagliano. For the edification of our readers, we have reproduced the letter in its entirety, followed by our "official" response, as drafted by the Satiric Press Legal Affairs Department.
Kim Campbell Protests Exclusion from Time's List of Most Influential
Above: Is this shadowy figure one of the world's most influential people?
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (SP) — Time Magazine has published a list of what it regards to be the 100 most influential people in the world. The list includes political leaders such as George W. Bush and Tony Blair, entertainers like Mel Gibson and Oprah Winfrey, and athletes such as Yao Ming and Tiger Woods. There are four Canadians on the list, including Conservative Party leadership candidate Belinda Stronach, esteemed jurist Louise Arbour, architect Frank Gehry and Cirque du Soleil founder and Chief Executive Officer Guy Laliberté. However, one Canadian who isn't on the list is former Prime Minister Kim Campbell, and she isn't happy about it.
The Struggle Within
First Amendment Amdended
WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — In a move heralded as a means to greatly streamline governmental
processes of all kinds, the U.S. Congress has passed a bill that will precisely define media
outlets designated as propagators of government information. Smoothing passage of the bill,
an amendment to the U.S. Constitution's First Amendment, which holds that "Congress
shall make no law [...] abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press," will
add, "excepting exceptions thereto".
Above: All the News That's Fit to Propagate