Letter to the Editor: Kudos From Yet Another Satisfied Reader
Above: Solomon Grundy and Alphonso Gagliano: Separated at Birth?
SATIRIC PRESS HEADQUARTERS (SP) — Among the many thousands of letters to the editor that we receive on a daily basis, there is occasionally a letter so poignant and eloquent, we deem it to be worthy of publication. The following is such a letter, written by a loyal Satiric Press reader, who was apparently moved to respond to our insinuation that Superman's arch-nemesis, Solomon Grundy, bears more than a passing resemblance to Paul Martin's arch-nemesis, Alphonso Gagliano. For the edification of our readers, we have reproduced the letter in its entirety, followed by our "official" response, as drafted by the Satiric Press Legal Affairs Department.
Dear Satiric Press Editors:
I am writing you in response to the recent Satyric (sic.) Press article Close Encounters of the Prime Ministerial Kind. While I found the allegations that Paul Martin is an illegal Alien thoughtful and ...probing, I am afraid there is some difficulty with your staff photographer. In a discussion of the possibility that Alphonso Gagliano may not have had a hand in the sponsorship scandal, an artist's rendering of the so-called "Bizarro Gagliano" was pasted in.
Firstly, in a ploy reminiscent of a bad Seinfeld episode, the evil twin hypothesis is rather tired.
Secondly, as the personal assistant and media liaison for Solomon Grundy I have to inform you that your misuse and mislabelling of his image is offensive and libellous.
Solomon Grundy is many things: longtime nemesis of Superman, occasional sparring partner for Starman, and member of the vegetable kingdom, but he
is not in any way, shape or form a doppelganger of Mr. Gagliano.
Nor for that matter is he capable of the misappropriation of public funds. In fact his vocabulary is largely limited to expletives such as "AAAAHRRGH...GGRUNDY SMAAASHHH".
This is not the first time Mr. Grundy's good name has been threatened in the media. Mr. Grundy is still recovering from venomous attacks against his reputation in a now mercifully forgotten Crash Test Dummies song.
I do concede that there are certain similarities between Mr. Gagliano and Mr. Grundy: they are both four colour funny paper villains brought to life by DC comics, and they do both favour dark suits. However, the resemblance ends there. Mr. Grundy has never held any office above the rank of goon, and has never participated in a crime that did not involve putting a man-shaped hole in a brick wall.
On behalf of Mr. Grundy I am willing to be reasonable. A printed retraction and apology would suffice. Otherwise, Mr. Grundy will take legal action against your publication....or he will put a man-shaped hole in your wall....as soon as he gets out of Arkham Asylumn.
The Ultra Humanite
Above: Despite an intimidating outward appearance, the Ultra Humanite is actually a highly educated and civilized individual.
Thank you for your thoughtful and articulate letter regarding our "alleged" misuse of an artist's rendering of the supervillain commonly known as Solomon Grundy. While your comic book scholarship greatly surpasses our own, we regret to inform you that we are not at liberty to publish a retraction or an apology, as the misuse of Grundy's likeness was deliberately undertaken for satiric purposes. However, with your permission, we would be pleased to publish an unedited version of your letter in the next issue of Satiric Press.
Truth is a complete defense in libel law, and we stand by the fact that there is an uncanny resemblance between Mr. Grundy and the Honourable Mr. Gagliano, particularly with respect to their superhuman-sized shoulders, the lack of any discernable neck and the menacing bug-eyed stare that they each possess.
Thanks for your continued patronage, and please feel free to send us more letters to the editor, or even freelance submissions, for which you have clearly shown enormous potential, based upon the above-mentioned letter.
The Satiric Press Editorial Department
P.S. We would rank the "Bizarro Jerry" episode of Seinfeld among the very finest episodes of the series, alongside 'The Soup Nazi" and "The Contest".
Above: Sorry, but we already have an Ultra Humanite