Dubya Set to Star in New Reality Show: The Gambler in Chief
Above: Does he know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em?
WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — In an effort to both increase his popularity and turn around a debt-ridden economy prior to the upcoming election, President Bush has agreed to star in a new reality show called "The Gambler in Chief". The show will air Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. on C-SPAN.
Each week, viewers will be able watch the President dig deep into the nation's federal reserves in order to bankroll various high stakes games of chance. Over the show's initial 13 episode run, Bush will visit a multitude of casinos in Las Vegas and Atlantic City and attempt to reduce the staggering $7.2 trillion national debt by opening up the public treasury and spending large sums of money on such classic casino games as poker, blackjack, three card monte and roulette.
Bush apparently devised this new economic policy after reading about Ashley Revell, a 32-year-old British man who liquidated all of his worldly possessions, rented a tuxedo, and put his entire life savings into one spin of the roulette wheel. Revell won, and walked away with $270,600. Bush realized that this kind of approach was probably the only practical way that he could instantly and substantially increase government revenue without raising taxes, so he decided to follow suit.
Above: Roulette will be a cornerstone of the new Bush economic recovery plan/reality show.
This isn't the first time that Bush has had unconventional ideas about how to stimulate the economy. Last year, he was poised to pay off the national debt by printing trillions of dollars in additional currency, as reported exclusively by Satiric Press (see Bush Prints More Money to Finance Tax Cut). At the last moment, Bush was persuaded to abandon this scheme by Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who warned that printing that much more money might have the effect of devaluing the currency.
It appears, however, that Bush is fully committed to his new economic plan. Hence, he has hired reality show guru Mark Burnett, the creator of such ratings hits as Eco-Challenge, Survivor and The Apprentice, to be his Executive Producer. Burnett replaces Dick Cheney, who has decided not to serve a second term as Executive Producer of the Bush administration. Cheney denies that this decision was made for health reasons. "Everyone knows I'm more of a wartime consigliore," said Cheney. "Now that we've succeeded in bringing peace and stability to Iraq, my work here is done."
Above: By his own admission, Dick Cheney is a wartime consigliore.
Critics of the new Bush economic plan/reality show argue that it leaves too much to chance. However, Burnett believes that the plan could not have been placed in more capable hands. "In Time Magazine's new list of the World's Most Influential People, President Bush is described as a radical gambler with the fate of humanity" said Burnett. "He may not come across as being very book smart, but he does have a rare kind of genius when it comes to things like counting cards or campaign contributions. I believe the clinical term for it is 'idiot savant'."
"I'd only agree with the first half of that diagnosis," said Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, when asked to comment on Burnett's remarks.
Burnett also denies charges that The Gambler will not be a very genuine portrayal of what really goes on behind the scenes in the West Wing. Burnett has frequently been accused of staging or manipulating the outcome of his other reality shows in order to make them more entertaining. "Nothing could be further from the truth," he said. "I can see why some people may have been a bit suspicious when we named Sam and Omarosa [from The Apprentice] to be the new Secretary of Defense and Secretary of State in this administration, but they just so happen to be the most qualified people for those positions."
Above: Incoming Secretary of State Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth
As for Bush, he admits that the success or failure of The Gambler may well foreshadow the outcome of November's presidential election. "If the Gambler doesn't get picked up for renewal, not only will I be out of a job, but this nation could end up being flat broke," he said. "However, John Kerry's plan for economic recovery could take years to have any appreciable effect, while I'm offering viewers, and voters, the chance to completely eliminate the national debt with one spin of the roulette wheel. So come election time, the American people have to ask themselves one question: Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya?"
Above: On November 2nd, Bush is hoping that registered voters will go ahead and make his day.