Satiric Press Presents: New National Registries That We Actually Need
Above: Pamela Anderson is among those who oppose the creation of a national breast implant registry.
OTTAWA (SP) — New Democrat MP Judy Wasylycia-Leis recently made headlines by introducing a Private Member's Bill in the House of Commons regarding the establishment of a national breast implant registry, in light of the health risks posed by such implants.
Leaving aside the issue that most breast implant recipients probably wouldn't wish to be so identified as a matter of public record, Ms. Wasylycia-Leis's proposal, though advanced with the best of intentions, is simply misguided. In our view, the most compelling reason to establish any sort of national registry is to protect the public from the more sinister elements of society, something that would not be achieved by the creation of a breast implant registry.
With this in mind, the following are some new national registries that we believe are needed to protect the public from certain groups of individuals who are so out of touch with reality or that have such profoundly bad taste that they pose a serious, imminent threat to our nation's well-being.
The groups that would be targeted by the SP-sanctioned registries include:
1. Anyone who still believes that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, and that the Bush administration had credible evidence of the existence of such weapons.
2. Anyone who thinks that George W. Bush is a more believable President of the United States than Martin Sheen.
3. Anyone who thinks that the Reform Party, the Canadian Alliance and the Conservative Party of Canada are actually different political parties.
4. Anyone who thought that Gigli wasn't such a bad film.
5. Anyone who had a similar opinion about Showgirls, Battlefield Earth, or any film starring, co-starring or with a cameo appearance by Pauley Shore.
6. Anyone who goes to see films based on the recommendations of Larry King.
7. Anyone who was a fan of Who Wants to Marry a Millionare, Temptation Island, Man vs. Beast, Celebrity Boxing, or any other reality show ever conceived by the FOX Network.
8. Anyone who is so obsessed with the Apprentice that they watch each new episode four times per week (including reruns on NBC, CNBC and Prime), and have taken to styling their hair like "the Donald".
9. Anyone who thinks that John Tesh is a good (a) musician, (b) celebrity news anchor, and/or (c) gymnastics commentator.
10. Anyone who still thinks that O.J. Simpson is innocent.
Above: Charlton Heston isn't keen on the notion of a gun registry, but he does favour a registry that would track anyone who's a fan of the many wretched sequels to Planet of the Apes.