Peter Jackson's Oscars Revoked After Admitting He's a Hobbit
Above: Hobbits such as Peter Jackson are not eligible for the Oscars
LOS ANGELES, Calif. (SP) — 2003 was a year in film that seemed destined to be remembered for The Return of the King. However, now it appears more likely to be remembered for the return of the Oscars. Mere weeks after the film dominated the Academy Awards, the Academy of Motion Pictures has announced that Director Peter Jackson was ineligible for the three Oscars he received, and will therefore have to return them immediately. The reason for Jackson's disqualification: the fact that he's a hobbit.
The Return of the Caption Writing Contest!
Above: Rather than debate his political opponents, Federal Transport Minister Tony Valeri simply stares at them until their heads explode
Back by popular demand, it's the Satiric Press Caption Writing Contest! Once again, we've selected a supremely silly picture that we hope will inspire you to come up with correspondingly silly captions. For this week's contest, SP has selected a particularly scary-looking mug shot of Transport Minister Tony Valeri. Based on the overwhelming response to our last caption-writing contest, we strongly recommend that you send us multiple entries to increase your chances of winning (coincidentally, that's one of the many underhanded tactics Valeri has been accused of using to defeat Sheila Copps for the Liberal Party nomination in Hamilton East).
Happy Birthday To Us!: One Year Old and Still Going Strong
Satiric Press Headquarters (SP) — Welcome to the very special First Anniversary Edition of Satiric Press! As we reflect back upon the last year of fictional news reported exclusively in the pages of SP, the theme of this week's milestone issue is "the return", as in The Return of the King, the return of the Oscars, and the return of the Caption Writing Contest. Don't forget to check out the numerous articles from previous issues in our "Articles by Subject" archive, and please continue to spread the word about Satiric Press. Thanks!
President Bush Proposes Constitutional Ban on Reality Television
Above: Give me liberty from reality shows, or give me death!
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SP) — Determined to make his mark on the domestic front prior to the November election, President Bush plans to introduce a radical new amendment to the U.S. Constitution that would bring a swift end to the pervasive pop culture phenomenon known as reality television. Satiric Press has managed to obtain an exclusive advance copy of the speech that Bush plans to deliver to a special joint session of Congress in support of his proposed constitutional amendment. The following is the text of that speech, presented in its entirety:
A Search for the Elixir of Life
Scientific Study Confirms "It Could Be Worse"
Above: Despite an abundance of anecdotal evidence, this is the first time the popular theory that it could be worse has been empirically proven.
Washington, D.C. (SP) — After three years of intense study, a team consisting of some of the world's finest scientific minds has concluded that almost invariably, it could be worse. Researchers used an exhaustive case-by-case method in which they interviewed all sorts of pathetic individuals to whom life has dealt a profoundly weak hand, including collection agents, call centre employees and "scratch and win" lotto addicts, among others.