Peter Jackson's Oscars Revoked After Shocking Revelation: He's a Hobbit!
Above: Hobbits such as Peter Jackson are not eligible for the Oscars
LOS ANGELES, Calif. (SP) — 2003 was a year in film that seemed destined to be remembered for the triumphant Return of the King. However, now it appears more likely to be remembered for the return of the Oscars.
Mere weeks after dominating the Academy Awards with an unprecedented 11 for 11 sweep, including Best Picture and Best Director, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announced that Director Peter Jackson has been ruled ineligible for the three Oscars that he received, and has been asked to return them immediately. The reason for Jackson's disqualification: the fact that he is a hobbit, and not a human being.
Hobbits have not been permitted to be members of the Academy for more than 60 years. The last hobbit to receive an Oscar nomination was Mickey Rooney for Babes in Arms in 1939. Dwarves, Elves, Orcs, and all other residents of Middle Earth have also been deemed ineligible for Academy Membership.
Above: Mickey Rooney is one of the world's foremost Hobbit thespians
"I've known many talented industry professionals from Middle Earth, but it simply wouldn't be fair to allow them to compete against the existing members of the Academy," said Academy president Frank Piersen, when asked by Satiric Press to explain the rationale for the ban on members from Middle Earth. "For example, if we allowed Wizards to join, how could we possibly ensure than an evil Wizard such as Sauramon or Malcolm McDowell wouldn't cast a spell to change the outcome of the vote? The entire process would be in serious danger of falling into disrepute."
Above: Nick Nolte was rumoured to be from Middle Earth after this mug shot was released
It's widely acknowledged that had Hobbits been eligible for the Oscars this year, The Return of the King would have added several acting awards to its record-setting tally, including Elijah Wood for Best Actor and Sean Astin for Best Supporting Actor.
For years, rumours have circulated around Hollywood that Jackson, who claimed to be a native of Pukerua Bay, New Zealand, might actually be a Hobbit. These rumours were fueled by the Jackson's diminutive stature, abundance of hair, and propensity for walking around in his bare feet. "It's very common misconception that hobbits can be identified by poor grooming habits, but there have in fact been many hobbits whose personal hygiene was nothing short of immaculate," said Anthropologist Ronald H. S. Fraser, considered the world's foremost expert on the peoples of Middle Earth. "Take Dennis Kucinich, for example. Or Ross Perot."
Above: U.S. Presidential candidates Dennis Kucinich and Ross Perot have shown that not all Hobbits walk around in their bare feet
As for Jackson's penchant for doing without any footwear, he has always maintained that this is due to a particularly acute case of plantar faceitis. However, the first real sign that there might be some truth to the rumours occurred when Satiric Press caught up with Jackson on January 27, 2004, to get his thoughts on all of the Oscar nominations his film had received that day. "I'll tell you, it's a hell of a way to celebrate my eleventy-first…excuse me, forty-first birthday," Jackson told SP.
Though it may well have just been a slip of the tongue, Jackson's response prompted SP to conduct a thorough investigation of the matter, as a result of which a copy of Jackson's birth certificate was obtained from an anonymous source. While the document curiously did not state Jackson's country of origin, it did specify his birth date as being January 27, 1893, in a municipality described simply as "The Shire".
Above: Though known for his youthful exhuberance, Jackson recently celebrated his eleventy-first birthday
When Satiric Press contacted the Academy for comment on these findings, the latter decided to conduct its own independent investigation, which resulted in the revocation of Jackson's three Oscars. The investigation is ongoing, and the Academy did not rule out the possibility that other Oscars the film won may end up being revoked.
Hobbit advocacy groups are very concerned that the Jackson scandal may result in a dangerous increase in the level of anti-Hobbitic behaviour around the world. One of the most outspoken individuals accused of anti-Hobbitism is Hutton Gibson, the father of Oscar-winner Mel Gibson. When contacted by Satiric Press, Gibson stated that the Jackson scandal did not take him by surprise. "For years, Hobbits have run Hollywood, and they also control the media," said Gibson. "It's all part of an elaborate Hobbit conspiracy to take over the world."
Above: Film industry legends such as Walt Disney have been accused of espousing anti-Hobbitic views
Gibson's most controversial remarks stem from his denial or downplaying of the Scouring of the Shire [see Chapter 8 of The Return of the King]. "They never fail to mention how many of their people allegedly died in that so-called massacre, but if that were true, how can there still be so many Hobbits around?" asked Gibson. "They may no longer be in the Shire, but they simply moved to places like Wellington, Auckland, and Brooklyn."
Still, Gibson denies that he regards Hobbits in a discriminatory manner, noting that he would be just as reluctant to see Elves, Dwarves or Wizards become members of the Academy. "The only Wizard that I'd ever want to see win an Oscar would be a member of the Klu Klux Klan," he said.
Jackson's embarrassing Oscar disqualification appears to have ended any chance he may have had to direct a film version of J.R.R. Tolkien's prequel to The Lord of The Rings, The Hobbit. However, Mel Gibson has made it known that he is very interested in making this his next directorial effort. Gibson has already written an outline of the screenplay, which he proposes to write in the Elvish and Hobbit languages, with English subtitles. The working title of the project is "The Passion of the Hobbit".
Above: Mel Gibson promises to be faithful to the gospel according to Tolkien in his cinematic adaptation of The Hobbit