Scientific Study Confirms "It Could Be Worse"
Above: Despite an abundance of anecdotal evidence, this is the first time the popular theory that 'it could be worse' has been empirically proven.
Washington, D.C. (SP) — After three years of intense study, a team consisting of some of the world's finest scientific minds has concluded that almost invariably, it could be worse.
"Of course we would have rather seen a result indicating that things could be better, but the evidence we collected demonstrated that this was simply not the case," said lead researcher Dr. Forrest Tweilleger, a Professor of Sociology at the University of Alabama.
Researchers used an exhaustive case-by-case method in which they interviewed all sorts of pathetic individuals to whom life has dealt a profoundly weak hand. The group included paraplegics, the mentally infirm, collection agents, call centre employees and "scratch and win" lotto addicts, among others.
But even with this assortment of the damned, researchers were astonished to find that the situation could always deteriorate. "We talked to one poor soul with Spina Bifida and figured that this is someone who must wake up every day asking a different deity to take him out of his misery," stated one researcher from Santa Clara.
"But then he told us that he recently saw the E! True Hollywood Story on Cory Haim, the washed-up former child star who's now addict to drugs, bankrupt and homeless," said the researcher. "By comparison, he didn't feel nearly as badly about his own quality of life."