Mea Culpa: Satiric Press Columnist Apologizes for "Wardrobe Malfunction"
Above: I received an earful after this 'snapshot heard 'round the world' circulated rapidly through cyberspace
It was never my intention to undermine the stellar reputation enjoyed by my employer, Satiric Press, the world's leading publisher of fictional journalism. However, my ill-advised decision to wear a pair of giant rabbit ears to an exclusive, high-profile cocktail party, combined with a completely unforeseen wardrobe malfunction, has brought shame and embarrassment upon SP, as well as upon my colleagues, friends, and family members, and for that I am truly sorry.
I would especially like to apologize to my long-time colleague AMFM, who had been invited to serve as the DJ for the halftime show at the Pro Bowl in Hawaii, only to have that invitation summarily revoked in the wake of the bunny ear scandal, apparently as a result of our professional affiliation.
For those not familiar with the whole sordid affair, perhaps I should start at the beginning.
Those of you who read my columns on a regular basis are no doubt familiar with my well-documented - and extensively photographed - prosthetic ear fetish (for example, see Requiem for an Air Miles Junkie). However, in the past, I had always shown a sufficient degree of self-restraint to avoid parading around with such accessories in public places. I would either fulfill my fetish in the privacy of my own home, or I would simply wear an assortment of ear muffs, head bands and toques sufficient to conceal the prosthetic devices I had on underneath.
Above: Attempts to conceal my penchant for pointy ears have not always been successful
On February 2nd, I had plans to attend SP's annual Groundhog Day Fiesta, a lavish event being held at the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. This popular and prestigious event always manages to attract the biggest names in the world of fictional journalism, including the editors-in-chief of such industry heavyweights as the Onion, the National Enquirer, and the New York Times.
Despite the presence of many of the industry's biggest movers and shakers, the dress code for these parties has always been extremely casual. Hence, I didn't hesitate to wear a pair of Spandex pants and a windbreaker to the party. I was also confident that between the balaclava and the hat I was wearing, no one would even suspect that beneath them I was wearing my favourite pair of "wabbit ears".
Above: The incriminating photos received such an overwhelmingly negative response, it definitely felt like wabbit hunting season
As I had expected, when I first arrived at the party, no one was able to recognize me because the balaclava was covering most of my face. My plan had been to dramatically rip the mask from my head, thereby revealing my identity to everyone else in attendance. What I never counted on was that the sudden, violent act of removing the mask would cause my hat to dislodge the prosthetic ears. Hence, before I was even fully aware of what happened, the ears were protruding from the sides of my hat to their full, freakish length.
At first, my position was not terribly compromising, given that the lights had been dimmed to accommodate an audio-visual presentation that was taking place in the room at the time. However, someone almost immediately turned on the lights to see what the commotion was all about, such that my earie display of nudity was in the plain view of a thousand other people. Although only a few seconds elapsed before I was able to cover it up, there was still enough time for the paparazzi to take numerous incriminating photos of my naked, artificially-augmented ears. By the next morning, major dailies around the globe were featuring my pointy-eared mug shot on their front pages. In a matter of hours, I had gone from respected journalist to laughing stock of the industry.
Above: I figured the fact that I was wearing giant rabbit ears wouldn't be as obvious in the dark
I would like nothing better now than to be able to convince the world that my "Wardrobe Malfunction Disaster" - or WMD for short - never existed, and was nothing more than a figment of some person's overactive imagination. Alas, the photographic evidence is irrefutable, making it impossible for me or anyone else to deny the WMD's existence.
In the days since my moment of infamy, I have received thousands of letters from Satiric Press readers weighing in with their opinions about the incident. Many parents have scolded me for setting a terrible example for their teenage children, who may have already had feelings of inadequacy about their own 1 or 2 inch ear lobes, and may now be more likely to consider undergoing ear augmentation surgery.
I take full responsibility for my conduct, and admit that it was not an appropriate display of nudity, particularly for a younger audience. However, I think it should be noted that I was wearing large rectangular ear rings at the time, upon which the words "Pace Bunny" were inscribed. There can be no question that these strategically-positioned piercings significantly reduced the amount of furry flesh that was visible.
Above: Piercings (ears, nipples, tongue, etc.) are another one of my embarrassing fetishes
Moreover, I cannot overemphasize the fact that my impromptu display of full-lobal nudity was neither planned nor deliberate, but simply the result of a wardrobe malfunction. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the incident was designed to generate publicity for the release of my new collection of essay entitled "Pace Bunny" (published by Satiric Press; available in better bookstores everyone on or before February 16th, with a suggested retail price of $24.74). The short period of time between the bearing of my "Pace Bunny" ears and the release of my book of the same name is purely coincidental.
Above: I will no longer be wandering around the SP newsroom in this sort of attire
I promise that in the future, I will be much more careful to avoid any public display of my prosthetic ear fetish, or any of my other fetishes, for that matter. I hope that you will continue to read my columns, giving me the opportunity to redeem myself and uphold the standards of journalistic excellence to which Satiric Press has always aspired.
Unfortunately, I have one more embarrassing admission to make, this time on a professional rather than personal note. Last summer, you may recall that I broke a story regarding television personality Ed the Sock's alter ego (see Ed the Sock's Secret Identity Revealed). In the article, I reported that man behind the sock, responsible for uttering a steady stream of bigoted and otherwise politically incorrect remarks was City TV founder Moses Znaimer. However, it has recently come to my attention that this is not in fact the case [*].
You may have already been able to guess from recent news reports that Ed the Sock's actual alter ego is none other than Citypulse News Anchor Gord Martineau.
Above: Citypulse's Gord Martineau, a.k.a. Gord the Insult Comic News Anchor
[*] Satiric Press regrets the error, and apologizes to Mr. Znaimer for any inconvenience this article may have caused him and his family. However, this should not be construed as an admission of liability, or an acknowledgement that the allegations contained in the aforementioned article constituted actionable libel, slander or defamation in any form.