Deconstructing Dubya: Revisiting the State of the Union Address
Above: We already know what President Bush (left) had to say about the state of the union, but Senior White House Correspondent QED (right) tells us what Bush really meant.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SP) — Politicians seldom say what they really think, particularly when delivering speeches as severely scrutinized and carefully choreographed as President Bush's recent State of the Union address. The challenge therefore becomes to read between the lines, in order to divine the truth from what is merely implied, rather than stated explicitly. To guide our readers through this complex analytical process, Satiric Press has called upon our Senior White House Correspondent, QED, to perform his own analysis of this year's State of the Union address.
What follows are numerous passages excerpted from the speech. In each case, the excerpt is followed immediately in bold by QED's "translation" of Bush's words to a closer approximation of what the Bush administration actually meant or what President Bush was actually thinking as he read the speech (perhaps for the very first time) off the teleprompter.
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States:
Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America.
Each day, visitors, permanent residents and American citizens of middle eastern descent are being subjected to racial profiling, indefinite detentions without prior restraint, interrogations without the presence of legal counsel, and otherwise having their civil rights utterly disregarded in the name of national security.
The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and fighting terror -- and America is honored to be their friend.
At this point, America is honored that any other nation will still be our friend.
Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every week...The United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins.
Otherwise, we'd be afraid of our own shadow.
And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi.
Wasn't he the billionaire Saudi arms dealer who got mixed up in the Iran Contra scandal? Talk about the comeback kid! Actually, I may be confusing him with that character Scott Baio played on Happy Days. They do look a lot alike.
Above: Publicity photo of Adnan Pachachi, President of the Iraqi Governing Council.
Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible -- and no one can now doubt the word of America.
When you're a trigger-happy superpower, other countries may not respect you, but they definitely fear you.
Already the Kay report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.
Somebody had better tell me what those WMD-related program activities consist of, 'cause I have no freaking clue.
To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian -- and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region.
To cut through the barriers of anti-American propaganda, a new television service will soon be providing the region with pro-American propaganda.
We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire.
We're going to Iran! And then we're going to North Korea!! And then we're going to Syria, Lebannon, France, Germany, Russia and China!!! And then we're going to Washington to take back the White House! Yeargh!!!
Above: During his post-Iowa Caucus tirade, Howard Dean may have simply been trying to emulate President Bush's spirited speaking style.
Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman.
...so long as they are all heterosexual.
And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger.
And because you voted to approve massive tax cuts, the national deficit is large, and growing larger.
We expect third-graders to read and do math at third grade level -- and that is not asking too much.
Even I can read and do math at the third grade level, so that can't be asking too much.
Above: You don't need degrees from Harvard and Yale to be able to read and do math at the third grade level.
A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. By keeping costs under control, expanding access and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best in the world.
America's private health care system is the best one in the world...to those who can afford coverage. To the 40 million Americans who are uninsured, at least you have a very strong incentive to lead a healthy lifestyle.
I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again.
...while still preserving their right to discriminate against others on the basis of sexual orientation.
The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind.
The cause we serve is right wing- very, very right wing- because it is the cause of all Republicans.
Above: Republican lawmakers would like to stampede over the rights of same-sex couples