Adrienne Clarkson Presents: The Couch Boy Cometh
Above: Mr. Feschuk Goes to Parliament
Prime Minister Paul Martin shocked political pundits by hiring Scott "Couch Boy" Feschuk, the National Post's resident television critic and aspiring humourist, to be his new speechwriter. Satiric Press has managed to obtain an exclusive copy of the first major speech written by Mr. Feschuk for the PMO: The Martin government's throne speech, to be delivered by Governor General Adrienne Clarkson when Parliament reconvenes on February 2nd. The full text of this speech has been reproduced below.
Caption Writing Contest: Silly Captions for a Funny Photo
Above: Dr. Evil and Mini Me (a.k.a. George W. Bush and Paul Martin) laugh maniacally over their plot for world domination.
By now, many of you have probably seen this rather amusing photo of George W. Bush and Paul Martin from the Summit of the Americas. Satiric Press decided to speculate on why these two heads of state seem to be having such a good time by compiling a list of potentially applicable captions, enumerated below. SP invites its readers to come up with their own silly caption(s) for this photo. First prize includes...
Chariots of Ice: A Cautionary Tale by QED
Above: Some of my extremities were not very well insulated, but my ears were always quite warm.
It was an exceptionally chilly winter evening, and I foolishly believed that the three layers of clothing I was wearing would be sufficient to keep me warm for my standard seven mile run along the lakeshore. However, there were several factors which I simply failed to take into account when choosing my attire. My icy breath, filtered through a balaclava, was causing my prescription eyeglasses to fog up, such that I couldn't even see the sheet of ice upon which I was attempting to run. I therefore faced the frightening prospect of slipping and/or blindly running right into the freezing water and suffering an almost instant case of hypothermia.
Plummeting Back Down to Earth
Fan: "Say wha'? They didn't pick AMFM to be the new VJ?! Punk-ass muthafuhkas!"
TORONTO, ON (SP) — With the final selection of the Much Music VJ Search 2003 having been completed, legions of devastated AMFM fans expressed shock and dismay — their hopes and prayers that 2004 would see AMFM ascending to "stardom and coolness" having been pitilessly dashed like fine china plates at the base of a rocky sea-side cliff, with fork-lightning arcing across the blustery midnight sky and a baleful moon staring down upon the splintering shards.
Above: AMFM in the midst of executing the ill-fated Plan 'A'.