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Adrienne Clarkson Presents: The Couch Boy Cometh

Left: Mr. Feschuk Goes to Parliament

Prime Minister Paul Martin shocked political pundits by hiring Scott "Couch Boy" Feschuk, the National Post's resident television critic and aspiring humourist, to be his new speechwriter. Some see this move as a desperate attempt by Martin, 65, to seem more light-hearted and accessible to a younger generation of eligible voters.

Satiric Press has managed to obtain an exclusive copy of the first major speech written by Mr. Feschuk for the PMO: The Martin government's throne speech, to be delivered by Governor General Adrienne Clarkson when Parliament reconvenes on February 2rd. This speech is expected to outline Martin's legislative agenda for the Winter session of Parliament, and also serve as a policy platform for an anticipated Spring election, but it nevertheless exudes Mr. Feschuk's inimitable style, heavily laden with gratuitous pop culture references. The text of this early draft of the speech is reproduced below in its entirety:

Thank you Mr. Speaker. Before proceeding any further, it should be noted that today is Groundhog Day, when, as legend has it, Osama bin Laden emerges from his spider hole each year to give an interview to Al Jazeera, only to go right back into hiding for another six weeks if he sees the shadow of an American soldier (or maybe it's just so that he can watch the new season of the Sopranos and Sex in the City on his pirated satellite dish).

Returning to the matter at hand Mr. Speaker, many Canadian may be unsure what to expect from this government, with a new Prime Minister and mostly new faces in his Cabinet. Perhaps it would be easier to think of the Chretien government as being like a popular, long-running sitcom, while the Martin government is a successful spinoff, like Frasier is to Cheers, or Joanie Loves Chachi was to Happy Days. In each case, the lead actor has been drawn from the strong supporting cast of its predecessor, while many familiar faces continue to lurk in the background, or the backbenches, as the case may be.

The upcoming season promises the return of a few former cast members, back by popular demand, such as Ed Broadbent, as well as occasional guest appearances by celebrities like U2 frontman Bono.

Above: Look for rock star Bono to make a guest appearance on CPAC during May sweeps

The storylines this season should also have a familiar ring, with issues such as appointing an independent ethics counselor and decriminalizing marijuana being rehashed yet again. Expect the season to end with a cliffhanger in the form of an election, although frankly, the outcome of this election is even more of a sure thing than the Bartlett re-election campaign last year on the West Wing.

Another recurring storyline sure to resurface is the Bush administration's mantra, apparently borrowed from South Park, to blame Canada for everything under the sun, whether it be for harbouring terrorists, causing blackouts or spreading mad cow disease. Perhaps it's time for Americans to finally apologize for some of their own transgressions, such as polluting the airwaves with horrible reality shows like the Bachelor and Temptation Island, not to mention the cinematic crimes against humanity collectively perpetrated by the Baldwin brothers.

Speaking of American foreign policy, there's a new book out which favourably compares George W. Bush and Tony Blair in leading the war on terror to FDR and Winston Churchill during the Second World War. With all due respect, that's like comparing the musical prowess of John Tesh, David Hasselhoff and Yanni to the Three Tenors. George W. Bush makes Anna Nicole Smith and Jessica Simpson seem like candidates for Mensa.

Above: President Bush may not be the sharpest tool in the shed

However, it is the domestic agenda with which this government is primarily concerned. Specifically, it is of utmost importance to find ways to turn around the plummeting ratings on this nation's public broadcaster, the CBC, by endeavouring to produce new programming that doesn't totally suck.

To that end, this government is taking the unprecedented step of using this speech to pitch a new hour-long drama to the CBC, which would fit right into its revamped prime time lineup. Based loosely upon the West Wing, the show is called the PMO, and would follow the exploits of a fictional Canadian Prime Minister and his young, idealistic group of staffers.

This government's preferred candidates for the lead role in the series include Clint Eastwood, who is the right age and already has some political experience, having served a term as mayor of Carmel, California. Another ideal candidate for the role would be Marlon Brando, who is not only a fine actor, but also bears a remarkable physical resemblance to Paul Martin, even after he began exerting his own gravitational field (Brando, that is, not Martin).

Above: Marlon Brando's physical resemblance to Paul Martin is uncanny

Should this show be green lighted, it will help to foster an elevated sense of patriotism and national unity not seen in this country since Trudeaumania...or at least since the most recent episode of Canadian Idol.

Thank you Mr. Speaker. God Save the Queen, and God Help the CBC!

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