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Quick Hits: A Brief Satiric Take on Current Events, Vol. 3

Paul Martin: Choice of a New Generation?

Above: Liberal Leader Paul Martin has managed to appeal to young voters by performing magic tricks and keeping up with the latest fashion trends

When Paul Martin was officially declared the new leader of the Liberal Party of Canada and imminent successor to Prime Minster Jean Chretien at a recent national convention, party members described it as the ushering in of a new generation of Liberals. This despite the fact that at 65 years of age, Martin is only 4 years younger than Chretien, and both are eligible to receive government pensions as senior citizens. However, veteran pollster Angus Reid suggests that the seemingly negligible age difference between the two is actually quite significant. "Four years is a very substantial amount when you're talking about elementary school children, and anyone who's ever witnessed a debate in the House of Commons, let along the petty backroom name-calling between the Martin and Chretien camps, would agree that they've behaved like a pair of little miscreants."

Many were also surprised that Martin would be very familiar with the music of Bono, who accepted Martin's invitation to speak at the convention, and delivered a passionate speech about third world debt relief. "In fact, I've been a fan of Bono's music for many, many years, before he even became involved in politics," Martin told Satiric Press in an exclusive interview. "I actually invited Cher to speak at the convention as well, but unfortunately, scheduling conflicts with her current world tour prevented that from happening."

Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Hypocrite

Syndicated radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has returned to the airwaves a month after checking into rehab for an addiction to pain killers. Limbaugh continues to be under investigation for his alleged involvement in a money laundering scheme relating to his acquisition of the drugs. He was also recently fired from his short-lived stint as a football analyst on ESPN (he lasted a total of three shows) after suggesting that All-Star quarterback Donovan McNabb was overrated by the liberal media because they were anxious to see a black quarterback succeed in the NFL. Just before his release from rehab, Limbaugh's brother David stated that Rush was "chomping at the bit to get back to doing what he does best." Sure enough, within minutes of resuming his radio show, Limbaugh began ridiculing, disparaging, and willfully promoting hatred against women, homosexuals, ethnic and religious minorities, liberals, other members of the media, and drug addicts.

Happy Days in South Africa

The international success of television programs based on the format used in American Idol has inspired the show's producers to stage a worldwide competition in which national champions such as American Kelly Clarkson and Canadian Ryan Malcolm will face off against one another for global supremacy. Among the participants in World Idol is the pride of South Africa, Heinz "Fonzie" Winkler. What might be most surprising to North American viewers is not that there was a version of American Idol in South Africa, but that "Happy Days", the popular American sitcom starring Henry Winkler as "Fonzie", would still be popular in South Africa, despite having been cancelled almost 20 years ago. "I think that South African audiences really connected with Happy Days because they could relate to the racial divide that existed in America in the 50's [when Happy Days was set], especially prior to the fall of Apartheid," said former South African President Nelson Mandella. "Our nation is still in mourning over the untimely cancellation of Joannie Loves Chachi [a spinoff of Happy Days starring Scott Baio]". On South African Idol, Winkler was a narrow victor over runners up Paul "Potsie" Tergat and Lemme "Ralph Malph" Chengere.

Thou Shalt Not Steal?

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has been removed from the bench for refusing to comply with a federal court order to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the rotunda of the Alabama Supreme Court. The Federal District Court held that the monument violated the separation of church and state guaranteed by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. After Mr. Justice Moore's removal, the monument was taken down and replaced by an Alabama State flag. Within a matter of hours, the flag had been stolen. God was not available for comment, but one of His spokespersons noted that the Ten Commandments represented His final word on the matter.

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