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Quick Hits: A Satiric Take on Current Events (Volume Two)

Toy Store Mascot Getting High on Helium?

Above: Is that smile a natural high, or is Geoffrey the Giraffe high on helium?

Retail Toy vendor Toys "R" Us has discontinued a nationally televised ad campaign which featured the chain's popular mascot, Geoffrey the Giraffe, inhaling helium from a balloon in order to speak in a high-pitched voice. Toys "R" Us was pressured to pull the ads by the National Inhalant Prevention Coalition, which noted that excessive helium inhalation can be hazardous to one's health. The Coalition argued that the ads could have the effect of promoting drug use by children. "It starts with helium, but before you know it, they're also doing cocaine and heroin," said the Coalition's executive director, Harvey Weiss. Having succeeded in this campaign, the group is now targeting toy stores which carry Popeye bubble gum cigarettes. "My own son had a three pack a day habit until he was finally able to quit at the age of 12," admitted Weiss. "I don't know what we would have done without Popeye Nicarette."

Don King Offers Land for New Fish Bowl

Notorious boxing promoter Don King recently announced that he has offered a prime piece of Miami real estate to the World Series champion Florida Marlins in order for the club to be able to build a much-needed new stadium. Many were surprised that King made the offer, given that he had never previously expressed any particular interest in baseball. However, sources close to King say that he feels he's already done everything he can to irreparably harm the integrity of professional boxing, and simply feels ready to take on a new challenge. There has already been speculation amongst oddsmakers that if King acquires equity in the Marlins and the team makes it back to the World Series, King would most likely ensure that the outcome of the Fall Classic is fixed. To that end, King has already made inquiries with the Commissioner's office regarding the hiring of Pete Rose as the team's next manager. Florida residents were also somewhat perplexed when King claimed that he was offering the land because it was "for the good of Florida", until it was learned that 'Florida' is a name that King sometimes uses when talking about himself in the third person.

P. Diddy Keeps on Running

"This is just the beginning." So said rap artist Sean "P. Diddy" Combs after completing this year's New York City Marathon. When Combs first announced that he would be competing in the event, many regarded it as nothing more than a publicity stunt, but he managed to finish the race in a respectable time of slightly over four hours, and raised more than $2 million for a trio of children's charities. As a result, he was named Athlete of the Week by the U.S. Track and Field Association. Any remaining doubts about whether Combs is serious about running should be eliminated if he follows through on his pledge to run next month's Baghdad Marathon as a show of support for all of the U.S. troops currently stationed in Iraq. The race is expected to have an unusually large number of casualties due to the considerable number of land mines, missile attacks and spectators carrying loaded machine guns throughout the course. P. Diddy is currently the only American registered for the race. This time around, he hopes to raise over $4 million to benefit child sweat shop workers in Malaysia. Combs said that this cause hits particularly close to home because the primary beneficiaries will be the children who work in the factories that produce P. Diddy's signature brand of designer clothing. The enterprising musician has already received donations from several high profile acquaintances, including the Sultan of Brunei, members of the Saudi Royal Family, Jennifer Lopez, and Ben Affleck.

Solar Flare Scare Not Exactly a Thriller

Scientists recently issued a warning that a series of solar flares were expected to penetrate the earth's atmosphere. While the flares have the potential to cause disruptions to electrical equipment, they are not believed to have any adverse effect on human beings. It is not known what effect they might have on Michael or Latoya Jackson.

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