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Microsoft Releases Absolute Last Security Patch

REDMOND, WA (SP) — In a bid to placate information security experts up in arms over security flaws in most of Microsoft's products, the software giant today announced the release of a patch that would fix "every single last security issue in every single last Microsoft product, 100% guaranteed". The patch is to be made instantly available to all users of Microsoft products worldwide, regardless of whether or not they have an Internet connection.

"Microsoft researchers have at last discovered the commonality between all the worms, viruses, and other self-replicating disruptive and destructive programs that have been plaguing us," said Bill Gates, Microsoft Corporation's chairman and chief software architect. "The common link is that they all travel along wires, either copper or fibre-optic, in the form of binary 1's and 0's. Remove the wire, and the viruses can no longer spread."

The patch, which does not need to be downloaded, requires only a few simple steps to implement. The first step is to locate the computer's network cable, typically plugged in at the back or side of the PC. The final step is to unplug the cable.

When questioned as to whether the patch would be sufficient in stopping the spread of viruses over wireless networks or on floppy disks or re-writeable CDs transferred from machine to machine, Gates indicated that an industrial-strength "professional" version of the patch would also be available.

"Certain installations have need of even higher security than our typical home users," said Gates. "Banks, government offices, military installations: these places are often the target of attacks, and must guard their data against intrusion or corruption at all times. Microsoft understands that, and has taken their needs to heart."

The professional version of the patch involves two further steps, the first of which is to locate any and all power sources on the PC, including battery packs and power cables. The next step is to remove them.

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