Quick Hits: A Brief Satiric Take on Current Events
P. Diddy’s Posse to Run NYC Marathon In His Place
Above: A member of “Team P. Diddy”, shown wearing an elegant T-Shirt from Satiric Press, the team’s title sponsor
Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, who last week made the surprising announcement that he would be running in this year’s New York City Marathon to raise money for charity, yesterday clarified that it would actually be his entourage of hangers on who would be running the marathon on his behalf. Combs will be supervising their progress from his luxury condo in midtown Manhattan. “This race is going to be a total team effort,” said Combs. “After all, what’s the point of having a crew of more than 20 homies if you don’t use them to run these kinds of errands for you?” Combs has already enlisted the services of a recent addition to his posse, actor Ashton Kutcher, to run the treacherous part of the course that winds its way through the mean streets of Harlem. “I told my boy Ash that he’d better run fast or he’ll be the one getting Punk’d,” said Combs.
It’s Not a Tumour, and I’m Not a Groper!
On the eve of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s successful gubernatorial campaign, he received testimonials from more than a dozen female co-stars, all of whom insisted that he never acted in a sexually inappropriate manner in their presence. These testimonials almost certainly helped to minimize the damage inflicted by 16 of Schwarzenegger’s other former co-workers who previously alleged that he was guilty of numerous acts of sexual misconduct. However, the weight of the last-minute testimonials may have been somewhat diminished by the fact that most of them came from actresses who had appeared in the film Kindergarden Cop, and were therefore under the age of seven at the time that they worked with Schwarzenegger.
Whiz-Kid Professor Uses Fellowship to Finance Expensive Hobbies
22-year-old Canadian math prodigy Erik Demaine, one of the youngest professors in the history of MIT, has been awarded a prestigious $500,000 U.S. fellowship. “The fellowship offers highly creative people the unfettered opportunity to explore, create and accomplish,” said Jonathan Fanton, president of the foundation which administers the fellowship. Demaine, whose hobbies include juggling and orgami, says that the fellowship will enable him to realize such childhood dreams as learning how to juggle jewel-encrusted fabrige eggs, and creating exciting new works of orgami using gold-plated paper.
Home on the Shooting Range
A group of 5,000 civil libertarians from across America have announced their intention to move to New Hampshire. Their goal is to transform the state, whose motto is “Live Free or Die”, into a place that will serve as a model for less government and more individual liberties. Members of the Free State Project were apparently impressed with the state’s constitution, which still affirms the rights to secession and revolution. New Hampshire Libertarian Party Chairman John Babiarz insists that members of the group are not anarchists, but they are committed to protecting the rights and freedoms championed by America’s founding fathers. They hope to eventually attract 20,000 people to join their movement. “Come on up, we’d love to have you,” said New Hamshire Governor Craig Benson. Since word of the project first began to circulate, two high-profile organizations have announced that they will be relocating their headquarters to New Hamshire: The KKK and the NRA.
Above: Will NRA President Charleton Heston move to New Hampshire if the state abolishes all of its gun laws?
From the Department of the Patently Obvious
The Toronto District School Board recently commissioned a study to examine the health of its student population. The study found that an increased level of fatty food consumption has led to a higher incidence of obesity in the classroom. The Board is still awaiting the results of a related study which seeks to determine whether there’s any correlation between dieting and weight loss.