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Bush Vows to Terminate Terrorist Threat

SatiricPress.com

WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — President Bush made a dramatic entrance into the White House press gallery yesterday, riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle and dressed entirely in black, including black jeans, a black leather jacket and sunglasses. He also had a loaded shotgun slung behind his back.

"Twelve years ago, my father came here on a mission to terminate the terrorist threat posed by Saddam Hussein and his sinister agents,” he said. “Now I’ve been sent here to finish the job.”

Bush also continued to insist that Iraq had been in possession of weapons of mass destruction, even though months of searching have failed to produce any evidence of such weapons. “We have reason to believe that these weapons are highly advanced prototypes that can morph into almost any physical shape,” he said. “They can even take human form. Therefore, it’s quite possible that these weapons have already been moved, or have moved themselves, outside of Iraq’s borders."

Bush also addressed the recent controversy that this year’s State of the Union address contained the unsubstantiated allegation that Iraq had attempted to purchase uranium from sources in Africa in an effort to restart its nuclear weapons program. “That speech simply contained a typo,” he said. “What I meant to say is that Iraq tried to acquire geraniums from Africa. That may not sound very threatening, but the U.S. Department of Botany acquired some darned good intelligence that Saddam was intending to spray all those geraniums with a deadly pesticide. Using such a massive amount of pesticide would constitute a major environmental hazard, and you know how much I care about the environment.”

Despite this explanation, critics of the Bush administration argue that the misstatement clearly reflects the fact that the President is out of his element when it comes to discussing matters of foreign policy. They also point to Bush’s reluctance to comment on the current political crisis in Liberia. However, Bush specifically addressed that issue at yesterday’s press conference. “I’ve been studying the situation in Liberia,” he said, “and I call upon General Qadaffi to step down so that the people of that country can be liberated from his oppressive regime.”


Above: Bush carries a loaded firearm while addressing White House Press Corps.

When apprised of Bush’s comments, Senator and 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry (D – Mass.), characterized them as troubling, but hardly surprising. “I have it on good authority that the last time President Bush was in Beverly Hills to do some political fundraising, he asked the presidential motorcade to pull over on Rodeo Drive because he thought he’d be able to see some cattle wrangling,” said Kerry.

Bush also come under heavy criticism for using crude, inflammatory rhetoric when talking about the might of the United States military. For example, when recently asked about the continuing threat posed by civilians attacking U.S. soldiers stationed in Iraq, Bush responded, “bring ‘em on!”

New York’s Rev. Al Sharpton said that such words were more befitting a gang leader in South-Central Los Angeles than a head of state. ”What hood did he grow up in, anyway?” Sharpton asked rhetorically.

"I know that some people think that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth just because my daddy made millions in the oil business and my granddaddy was a U.S. Senator,” said Bush. “But I actually had a tough, gritty upbringing. For instance, when I was an undergrad at Yale, I lived off-campus in a neighborhood that’s been called the Compton of Connecticut.”

Bush said he doesn’t see a problem with describing the war on terror in terms that might be used by movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his action films. “I consider him to be an outstanding citizen, and a role model for both children and politicians,” said Bush, who added that he liked Schwarzenegger’s chances of becoming the next governor of California should the current efforts to recall incumbent governor Gray Davis be successful.


Above: Iraqi WMD may be disguised in human form.

When asked to assess his own chances of re-election in 2004, Bush confidently asserted, “I’ll be back!”

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