Rogue States Rush to Acquire WMD, McDonald’s
GENEVA, Switzerland (SP) — Anxious to procure enough deterrent to dissuade U.S. President George W. Bush from initiating regime change, several countries around the world are stepping up efforts to develop or acquire Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD). As a backup, these same states are rushing to open as many McDonald's franchises as possible, in hopes that the adage holds true about no two countries with McDonald's ever going to war with each other.
Tom Friedman of the New York Times came up with the "Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention," which purports that no two states with a McDonald's ever go to war with each other. The 1999 U.S.-led air war with Yugoslavia dealt the theory a serious blow, but that has not stopped the likes of Iran, Syria, North Korea, and more recently Liberia and Zimbabwe, from scrambling to raise the Golden Arches in major cities.
Above: Coming soon to a rogue state near you.
Unlike equipment used in production of nuclear or biological weapons, neither the trademark yellow "M" nor tacky roof shape fall under U.S. technology export regulations, and so are fair game to dictators and terrorists the world over. While the process of applying for a franchise can be somewhat lengthy, there is no specific clause prohibiting Third World despots from owning and operating a McDonald's restaurant — this stands in stark contrast to the process of collecting enough know-how and fissile material to produce even a primitive, low-yield nuclear device, which can stretch to years with few or no results.
Said Iranian president Mohammad Khatami, "Given the chances of getting our hands on a working nuke before Dubya decides to invade, and the relative ease with which we can open a Micky D's in downtown Tehran, we have shifted all of our resources to the latter. Some of our top nuclear physicists are currently practicing the phrase 'would you like fries with that'. This will assist us in running our restaurants, and, should the scientists decide to emigrate to the West, such knowledge will assist them in the careers they will encounter there, what with their advanced degrees going unrecognized."