Senate to Review Terrorist Links to Easter Bunny
WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — Yesterday, the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence announced plans to conduct an extensive review of CIA and FBI reports regarding alleged links between the Easter Bunny and the al-Qaeda terrorist network.
The review comes in the wake of questions raised over pre-war intelligence regarding the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Committee Chairman Pat Roberts (R-Kan.) said that the failure to find any evidence of such weapons "is forcing us to take a long, hard look at the quality of our intelligence in other areas."
Foremost among these is the alleged link between the Easter Bunny and terrorism. Successive Presidential Administrations have warned of the threat posed by international rabbit terrorism ever since a suicide bunny failed in its attempt to assassinate President Jimmy Carter while on a fishing trip over twenty years ago. However, critics insist that this concern has become an obsession within the Bush Administration. "Those guys over at the White House completely lose it whenever anyone mentions EB," said one disgruntled CIA analyst, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "To listen to them talk, EB is Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein all rolled up into one furry little bundle."
Doubts about the reliability of US intelligence assessments of EB have also been raised at the UN. Earlier this year, at a closed Security Council session, US Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke for over eight hours, laying out the Administration’s case against EB. "The presentation was very persuasive at the time," admitted France’s UN Ambassador, Jean-Marc de La Sabliere. "Powell had transcripts of intercepted conversations between EB, the Tooth Fairy [another figure on the FBI’s ten most wanted list] and Ayman al-Zawahiry, a key al-Qaeda lieutenant. He showed us satellite imagery of rabbit warrens tucked away in the remote mountainous regions of Central Asia. It was all very impressive. But now, in light of this business regarding Iraq, I’m having second thoughts."
US officials have gone to great lengths to emphasize the seriousness of the threat posed by what John Bolton, Under Secretary for Arms Control and International Security, described as "that terrorist rodent." "We have solid intelligence information that EB is planning a mass-casualty Easter egg attack in coordination with al-Qaeda," said Bolton. "Unless we act now to preempt the threat, people won’t be talking about 9/11 any more – they’ll be talking about Easter Sunday."