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WMD Found in Rumsfeld’s Garage

WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — The Bush Adminstration was rocked yesterday by reports that a major cache of weapons of mass destruction had been found in Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s garage. The hidden weapons store included three Scud missiles, seven forty-gallon barrels of anthrax, and a three-liter jug of Mr. Clean.

When questioned by reporters about the discovery during a press briefing later in the day, the Defense Secretary’s immediate response was “Good golly! How did those get in there?” However, under an unrelenting barrage of questions from the White House press corps, he finally broke down in tears and revealed the extent of the conspiracy.

“It was all Paul’s idea,” Rumsfeld sobbed, referring to Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz. “He said that if we didn’t turn up some WMD in Iraq pretty soon, we’d all look like idiots. So he suggested that we sneak down to the White Flint Mall in North Bethesda, pick up a few WMD odds and ends at Bloomingdales, and Fed-Ex them over to some Baathist dupe in Baghdad. Then, we’d merely have to tip off the Army’s weapons inspectors about the cache, and we’d be off the hook.”

“I told him it wouldn’t work,” Rumsfeld admitted, as he wiped his nose on his shirt sleeve. “I don’t even think Fed-Ex goes to Baghdad. But Paul can be so damn persuasive.”

Many political pundits believe that this scandal could bring down the Bush Adminstration. Yet, the President has reacted to the news with surprising calm. At a photo-op in the West Wing with the head of the Veteran’s of Illegal and Immoral Foreign Interventions, President Bush quipped with reporters, “You know, to be honest, I didn’t really think that Saddam and those folks had any weapons of mass destruction. You gotta be pretty smart to build those kinda things, and Saddam…well, let’s just say I’ve seen Texas horny toads with more smarts than that guy.”

Asked about the involvement of his Secretary of Defense in the conspiracy, the President again seemed remarkably composed. “It doesn’t surprise me that Donny was dabbling in chemical weapons,” he said. “Have you ever caught a whiff of his aftershave?”

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