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Pentagon Unleashes War on War; Wars on Famine, Pestilence, Death to Follow

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WASINGTON, DC (SP) — The United States is to embark on a War on War, U.S. Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld proclaimed today.

"Having already made solid progress in the Wars on Drugs and Terror, it's only logical that we proceed with eradicating the next scourge of humankind, namely war itself," said Rumsfeld.

"It is clear that, throughout human history, force has been the single most consistently successful means with which to solve problems. Might makes right, as demonstrated recently in the War on Terror, and more specifically, on Afghanistan and Iraq. We are simply extending that principle to combat the world's remaining obstacles to human happiness and prosperity. War is an extremely versatile tool for dealing with societal and other problems, and the United States, as the world's most powerful nation and sole Superpower, is in the best position to make use of that tool for the betterment of humanity."

Rumsfeld went on to describe how solving problems by addressing underlying grievances or conditions takes far too long, and is too complicated. "Take terrorism. If we wanted to stop it by namby-pambying around, trying to alleviate poverty, lack of education, and so on in the Middle East, it'd take ages. It'd be years before there were any results at all for TV. Much quicker and more satisfying to just pick a country and bomb the living fuck out of 'em."

Rumsfeld pointed to the lack of any massive bombing campaigns as one of the reasons the War on Drugs has dragged on so long, having been introduced in the 1970s by Richard Nixon. "Sure, we have troops in Colombia, and we fund the Colombian military and paramilitary, but it's just not the same as blackening the sky with B-52s, Stealth bombers, and cruise missiles." He acknowledged there were other reasons for the War on Drugs lasting so long relative to the War on Terror, chief among them being the CIA's having introduced crack cocaine to South Central Los Angeles in the early '80s. "In retrospect, it wasn't the best idea to introduce a new drug to the nation's inner cities during the heat of the War on Drugs. That is a mistake we will not make again — witness the fact that neither the CIA nor any other government agency has set off any bombs on U.S. soil during the War on Terror. To my knowledge."

Whitehouse press secretary Ari Fleischer confirmed that, as in the War on Terror, the main component of the War on War would be bombing the living fuck out of some other country. "As the first step in the War on War, we will select a suitably war-torn country and bomb them back to the Stone Age," said Fleischer. "President Bush has Congo in mind as a prime candidate, with its never ending civil war, and general human misery."

Ethiopia, a traditionally famine-wracked country, is widely expected to bear the brunt of the assault in the War on Famine, the next in the Pentagon's "War On" series. Possible targets in the War on Pestilence include South Africa, with its 20% HIV infection rate among the adult population, and China, due to its recent SARS outbreak. Canada, another nation affected by SARS, is seen as a long-shot.

The final War in the series, the War on Death, presents the greatest difficulty in selecting a suitable adversary nation. "Death is so widespread, affecting so many nations around the world, that we are hard-pressed to choose the criteria for who to bomb in the War on Death," said Fleischer. "One option under consideration is to attack Sierra Leone, a country with a life expectancy of under 40 years. Death is prevalent there."

Fleischer, who has announced his intention to resign in July in order to pursue a career in the private sector, was nostalgic over his roles in the first two instalments of the War On series. "Of course, the War on Drugs has been around the entire time I've worked here. The War on Terror has been great, really great. And so far it looks like the War on War will blow them all away; but it will be my successor who has the pleasure of briefing the press on its progress. My heart tells me it's time to go."

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