Fact-Writing Scandal Rocks Satiric Press
SATIRIC PRESS HEADQUARTERS (SP) — An in-depth investigation by Satiric Press has revealed that one of its staff writers has committed numerous acts of journalistic fraud. The writer, QED, frequently and flagrantly included factual information in what were supposed to be completely fictitious news articles.
Usually, the carefully selected factual items seemed so ridiculous and improbable that QED had no problem convincing his editors and readers that the articles were entirely fictitious. However, SP's investigation has thus far uncovered factual information in at least 12 of the 18 articles filed by
QED since he began receiving national reporting assignments in April 2003.
The following are the factual items that have thus far been discovered by SP:
- In an article about U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, QED accurately reported that during Senate confirmation hearings, Mr. Justice Thomas was questioned by members of the Judiciary Committee about his pubic hair fetish and his fascination with the adult film actor known as "Long Dong Silver".
- There really are 10 cities in the continental United States bearing the name "Bagdad", although the U.S. military has not expressed any intention to invade any of these cities, at least not yet.
- Every one of the atrocities alleged by QED to have been committed by Saddam Hussein's son Uday and Muammar Al-Qadaffi's son Al'Saadi are true, including Hussein having a former mistress covered in honey and fed to a pack of Doberman Pincers, and
Qadaffi having fans of an opposing soccer team put to death and demolishing their team's stadium.
- Sony Corp. did attempt to trademark the term 'Shock and Awe' for use in a video game one day after the war in Iraq began. It withdrew the application after being accused of attempting to exploit the war for commercial gain.
- In Taiwan, there really is a popular carbonated beverage known as Sars, although SP has been unable to verify the existence of Sars chewing gum, tooth paste or toilet paper, as reported by QED.
- Great Britain's Prince Charles does have over 50 personal servants who perform such extravagant tasks as squeezing his tubes of toothpaste, although it is not out of any apparent concern that he might develop carpal tunnel syndrome. It has also been reported that
Prince Charles bestowed the official royal seal upon certain companies in order to receive free toiletries.
- There really was a Star Wars Holiday Special that aired on CBS in 1978 and introduced Chewbacca's family members, who had names like Itchy and Lumpy. The show also featured horrendous vocal performances by the likes of Bea Arthur and Carrie Fisher.
This investigation is ongoing, and SP would appreciate any information regarding other factual accuracies not identified in the preceding paragraphs. The editorial board of SP can be reached at email@example.com.
Every satiric news publication must rely upon its writers to uphold certain principles. QED violated the cardinal tenant of fictional journalism through his flagrant use of factual information.
Although QED has been given a stern reprimand, he will be permitted to continue to write for SP on a probationary basis, in light of his prolific output and the fact that he's one of only two writers employed by SP. However, he has been informed that no further acts of factual reporting will be tolerated.
While this fact-writing scandal represents a low point in the 153-year history of Satiric Press, we are firmly committed to upholding the journalistic principles that have earned us the reputation for being the world's finest fictional news source.