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Bush Prints More Money to Finance Tax Cut

WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — Faced with the prospect that the federal government would run out of money before the end of the month, President Bush has ordered the Treasury Department to print an additional $10 trillion in $50 and $100 bills.

At the same time, the President announced that he would be asking Congress to approve an even larger tax cut than he had previously been seeking. Under the plan, the federal government would eliminate all taxes on personal income, dividends, capital gains, corporations, partnerships, sole proprietorships, estates, trusts, gasoline, real estate, goods and services, effective immediately.

"Read my lips: no new taxes...and no old ones either,” said Bush at a press conference to announce his tax relief plan.

With the U.S. economy not performing as well as the Bush administration had anticipated, the federal government would have reached its borrowing limit of $6.4 trillion in a matter of weeks. In order to avoid defaulting on the national debt, Bush was faced with only two options: raise the government's borrowing authority or print more money. After careful deliberations, he opted for the latter.

"We thought about raising the ceiling another trillion or two,” he said. “But we later realized that it would be better to just get rid of the whole debt in one fell swoop rather than make it any bigger. Then, we figured that we might as well print a few extra trillion, in order to be able to afford the new tax cut.”

Bush's radical new tax relief plan is the largest of its kind in U.S. history, and has set off intense debate across the entire political spectrum. Critics of the plan contend that flooding the economy with trillions of extra dollars will result in hyperinflation, which in turn will severely devalue the dollar in relation to other currencies. However, Bush has dismissed the likelihood of such a scenario. “I may not be an economist, but any idiot knows that the American dollar is the gold standard of currencies, so its value will hold no matter how many bills are in circulation,” he said.

In support of this assertion, Bush cited how substantial U.S. funds were used to buy votes from other members of the U.N. Security Council to support the invasion of Iraq, as well as to buy land and airspace from some of Iraq’s neighbours, including Saudi Arabia and Pakistan.

The rationale for Bush’s tax plan is that by increasing the disposable incomes of the highest income earners, there will be a corresponding increase in consumer spending, which will stimulate the economy and have a “trickle down” effect on lower income earners. However, many politicians and economists have flatly rejected this theory. Even the elder President Bush has described it as “voodoo economics”.

Others, such as billionaire publisher Steve Forbes, are extremely enthusiastic about the Bush tax plan. ”When I ran for president, I suggested a flat tax that I believed would treat Americans in all income brackets fairly,” said Forbes. “However, I must admit that the President’s tax abolition initiative is even more equitable.”

President Bush took many observers by surprise when he named Britain’s Prince Charles as his new Secretary of the Treasury. This marks the first time since the U.S. declared itself a sovereign nation that a member of the British royal family has held an executive position with the U.S. government. However, some merely regard the appointment as further proof of the enhanced relations between the U.S. and Great Britain since Tony Blair emerged as President Bush’s closest ally in the war on terror.

Prince Charles has recently been the subject of intense criticism by segments of the British media for his extravagant spending of public funds, such as the $6 million he recently spent to acquire a second London Palace for himself and his companion, Camilla Parker Bowles. He also has an entourage of over 50 personal servants who spare him the trouble of having to perform such menial tasks as squeezing his own tubes of toothpaste.

President Bush has defended these expenditures, noting that toothpaste squeezing is one of the world’s leading causes of carpal tunnel syndrome. He also noted that Prince Charles has occasionally shown signs of fiscal conservatism, such as when he has bestowed the royal coat of arms on certain corporations in order to receive free toiletries.

Prince Charles has already laid the groundwork for several new spending initiatives, including a program to provide every American with the finest imported tea and crumpets that money can buy, as well as a program that will expose inner-city children to important, character-building leisure activities such as polo, cricket, and lawn bowling.

The Bush administration has also earmarked several hundred billion dollars of the money-printing surplus to finance two or more full-scale military campaigns within the next year and a half. Many believe that the fatal error made by the elder president Bush was that he went to war with Iraq too soon and ended it too quickly, such that he was not able to carry over the popularity he had enjoyed at the end of the Gulf War to the polls in the 1992 presidential election, when the sorry state of the U.S. economy was foremost on the minds of most voters.

Therefore, just in case the new money printing initiative doesn’t have the positive effect on the economy projected by the Bush administration, tentative battle plans are being drawn up for possible wars with Syria, Iran, North Korea, and even Canada.

"First of all, a war against Canada would be an easy victory, with a minimal number of casualties, given how weak the Canadian military is compared to our own,” Bush explained. “Secondly, I’m still a bit annoyed that Canada refused to provide us with any military support during Operation Iraqi Freedom, no matter how insignificant such support might have been.”

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