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Deceased Actor Jeter Upstaged Again By Yankee Shortstop

HELL (SP) — Veteran character actor Michael Jeter, who died last month at the age of 50, is bitter and disappointed that his death has been completely overshadowed by a non life-threatening injury to his namesake, New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter. » more...

Man Evicted, SARS-Quarantined in Bus Shelter

TORONTO, ON (SP) — A local man, in voluntary SARS quarantine after visiting Scarborough Grace Hospital a month ago, was evicted from his Moss Park apartment after being fired and failing to pay his rent cheque. He is spending the remainder of his quarantine in a bus shelter on King St. » more...

Expos Bought By Kin of Hussein, Qaddafi

MONTREAL, PQ (SP) — A consortium of middle eastern businessmen, led by Uday Hussein and Al-Saadi Qaddafi, has signed a letter of intent to purchase the Montreal Expos. » more...

Tim Hortons to Rebrand as “T-Ho”

OAKVILLE, ON (SP) — Canada's most recognized coffee-and-doughnuts chain, Tim Hortons, is undergoing a re-branding exercise in order to increase its appeal to the urban demographic. » more...

Pentagon Releases ‘Shock and Awe’ Video Game

WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — The Pentagon has announced that it is releasing a new video game based upon the war in Iraq, entitled ‘Grand Theft Karbala: Operation Shock and Awe’. » more...

Canada Declares Independence

OTTAWA, ON (SP) — In a surprise move Saturday, Canadian Governor Jean Chrétien (D - QC) declared the state of Canada to be a sovereign nation, independent of the United States. Official reaction from Washington was muted. » more...

SARS Quarantine Widens to Include Everyone in Toronto and Taiwan

TORONTO, ON (SP) — All residents of Toronto and Taiwan have been placed in quarantine as a result of the outbreak of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS). » more...

U.S. Govt. Actions Too Easy to Satirize: World Satirists' Union

HELSINKI, Finland (SP) — In a press release issued last week, the World Satirists' Union proclaimed that its members would no longer be satirizing U.S. government policies, statements, actions, wars, or anything else, as doing so is too easy to be fun anymore. "The whole of Washington is positively dripping with self-parody, leaving nothing for us to do," complained WSU undersecretary T. Herman Zweibel. » more...

Dust Masks No Help Against SARS, but Prevent Cooties

TORONTO, ON (SP) — With most local pharmacies and medical supply stores sold out of surgical masks, many people have turned to hardware stores, and are donning dust masks in misguided attempts to protect themselves from Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS). While the dust masks do not offer sufficient filtration to prevent SARS exposure, they have been shown to be highly effective in preventing acquiring of the cooties. » more...


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