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Tim Hortons to Rebrand as “T-Ho”

SatiricPress.com

OAKVILLE, ON (SP) — Canada's most recognized coffee-and-doughnuts chain, Tim Hortons, is undergoing a re-branding exercise in order to increase its appeal to the urban demographic.

At a press conference at the headquarters of Tim Hortons parent company TDL Group Ltd. in Oakville, a suburb of Toronto, President and COO Paul House stated that the company has "learned from artists such as Jennifer Lopez and Sean Coombs. There's nothing like a slick name change to rejuvenate a flagging image."

The aim of the move, according to House, is to adjust the image of a chain currently associated with a white-bread, suburban way of life, and hopefully acquire some street cred. "Adjusting to the jive-talk that is so much a way of life for city youth has become a top priority," said Ron Joyce, co-founder of Tim Hortons. "We hope that our loyal customers will accommodate us, and make the linguistic transition. No longer should they request a 'double-double', but rather a 'dub-dub'. Feel me?"

Tim Hortons has been opening outlets in downtown urban areas at an unprecedented pace. "The truth of the matter is, when we moved to these new locations there was a disconnect between management staff from the outer suburbs and smaller towns, and our new clientele," continued Joyce. As examples, he described how managers from Barrie would use phrases like, "How're yous doin', eh?" and meet with uncomprehending stares from Scarborough teenagers more accustomed to the traditional local greeting, "'sup y'all?". The Tim Hortons chain already has an occasionally-used nickname, "Timmy's", but the company's top brass is confident it will fall by the wayside in favour of the new official name. "T-Ho is, quite frankly, way more hype, guy," proclaimed Hope.

"And some of our newer outlets in the downtown hoods don't even have drive-thrus. We be down widdit, know'm sayin'?"

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