Satiric Press. SP is the world's foremost fictional news wire service, providing reality-based stories about politics, business, entertainment, and any other subject matter worthy of ridicule. Satire. Satiric news. Humour. Humor. Funny. Parody. Sarcasm. Ridicule. Hilarious. Canada. Canadian. Toronto.
Satiric Press
  » About Satiric Press™   » Contact us   » Subscribe! © 2004 Monday, 28 April, 2003
S A T I R I C   C O N T E N T

This website is intended for a mature audience, and is not recommended for children under the age of 18 without the consent of their parents.

» Archive
» Articles by Subject
Google search SP:  » go

» Capital of Nasty
» HumorFeed
Member of ISNA: Internet Satirical Newspaper Association


Except in the case of public figures who are the subjects of satire, the names of entities and persons referred to in SP articles are completely fictitious, and any resemblance to real entities or persons, either living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The quotations and opinions attributed to public figures in SP articles have been invented for strictly satiric purposes, and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts, opinions, or beliefs of the persons or entities to whom they are attributed.

The content of the articles on this website may offend some.

Those most likely to be offended include politicians, celebrities, and those who expect satiric writing to adhere to the rules of political correctness.
» Current issue Email a link to this page! » Front page

Dust Masks No Help Against SARS, but Prevent Cooties

TORONTO, ON (SP) — With most local pharmacies and medical supply stores sold out of surgical masks, many people have turned to hardware stores, and are donning dust masks in misguided attempts to protect themselves from Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS). While the dust masks do not offer sufficient filtration to prevent SARS exposure, they have been shown to be highly effective in preventing acquiring of the cooties.

World-renowned cooties expert and self-confessed germophobe Philbert H. Persnickity explained that, when in the presence of people one senses to be unclean, wearing a dust mask can only help. "We've all been in that situation, in crowded subways, or malls, or wherever. There are so many people, and so many of them are gross. If I may say it — and it is not unkindly meant — they have the cooties. Wearing any kind of mask will give you some degree of protection against the foul, cootie-laden air those dirty people breathe out." Persnickity went on to explain the benefits of always wearing gloves whenever touching anything outside the confines of a meticulously clean home.

"The world is a very dirty, dirty place. So dirty and filthy. There are germs and bacteria and cooties and filth all over the place. Before the SARS outbreak I used to wash my hands between 25 and 30 times a day. I think now it's more like 75 or 80, not including the alcohol-based disinfectant I cleanse myself with every half hour." He acknowledged that anti-bacterial soap offers no better protection than regular soap against SARS, which is caused by a virus. However, he explained that washing with anti-bacterial soap is certain to be more effective in eradicating the build-up of cooties that inevitably occurs throughout the day.

"That feeling you get that you just aren't clean — there's nothing like scrubbing your hands with a good anti-bac soap for 10 or 15 minutes, taking off those outer layers of cootie-ridden skin. Scrubbing and scrubbing, with a pumice stone. Yes, then you feel better. Dirty, so dirty."

Email a link to this page!

  © 2004 Satiric Press. Content may be reproduced or redistributed in any form so long as it is attributed to Satiric Press ( and this notice is included.  
» Front page
All contents © 2003, 2004 Satiric Press. All rights reserved. Archive.