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“Private” Clinton Summoned for Military Service

SatiricPress.com

CAMP VIRGINIA, KUWAIT (SP) — After deferring his eligibility for military service for more than 30 years, former President Bill Clinton was recalled to active duty last Friday as a member of the general infantry, and is currently stationed at a military base in Kuwait.

Like thousands of other Americans, Private Clinton was sent to the Persian Gulf to fight the war in Iraq. However, unlike any of his fellow soldiers, less than three years ago, Clinton was the Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. military.

Presidential scholars have been quick to point out the historic nature of Private Clinton’s military service. “For a former President to become a member of the armed forces is virtually without precedent,” noted Professor Ronald H. Fraser of Columbia University. “James Buchanan did enlist in the Union army after declining to run for re-election in 1860, but he was subsequently discharged when it was learned that he had flat feet.”

When Private Clinton was first informed that he would be placed on active duty, he offered his extensive experience as a diplomat and peace negotiator, citing his efforts behind initiatives such as the Dayton Accord between the Israelis and Palestinians. However, the White House immediately rejected this proposal. “President Bush has made it abundantly clear that the time for diplomacy is over,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher.

During his political career, Private Clinton was frequently criticized by members of the Republican Party for deferring his draft eligibility and participating in protests during the Vietnam War. However, many of his most outspoken critics are now commending him for doing his part in the war on terror. “I’ll admit that there were many occasions when I questioned President Clinton’s honesty, integrity and patriotism,” said Sen. John Warner (R-Va.), Chairman of the Armed Services Committee. “However, I have none of those reservations about Private Clinton.”

There was initial skepticism among military personnel when Private Clinton first arrived at the base, but as was frequently the case during his political career, Clinton quickly won them over. “At first, all the members of our unit were calling him Mr. President, but he insisted that we call him Bubba. He’s a really cool guy,” said Private Dave Reid, 19, from Topeka, Kan. “At first, we found it a little weird that there were always a few secret service agents around him, but now we barely even notice them.”

Even Private Clinton’s commanding officer, Lieutenant Robert Spergel, has been impressed. “I didn’t want it to seem like he was receiving any preferential treatment, so I immediately assigned him to urinal sanitation duty," said Spergel. "I have to say that I’ve never seen a soldier do such a thorough job of cleaning a toilet. You could have practically eaten out of the toilet, it was that clean! Imagine all the grief he could have saved himself had he done such a meticulous job of cleaning Monica Lewinsky's dress!"

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