Bush Calls Off War Due To Jedi Mind Trick
WASHINGTON, DC (SP) — President Bush has ordered the immediate withdrawal of all U.S. military personnel from the Persian Gulf, effectively ending the war in Iraq.
At a hastily arranged press conference, President Bush explained that he changed his mind about the war after receiving an unexpected phone call from Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "We don't need to see their weapons of mass destruction," said Bush. "Those aren't the weapons we're looking for. Iraq can go about its business."
When asked by a befuddled member of the White House press corps to clarify his remarks, Bush responded, "Flying through Iraqi airspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy! We could fly too close to a scud missile or step right in a landmine and that'd end our mission real fast!"
Bush also articulated the widely held view that the world might not be better off if the United States attempts to remove Hussein from power. "If we strike him down, he'll become more powerful that you can possibly imagine," said Bush, who added, "It's not wise to upset an Iraqi dictator."
When asked why the United States had not shown a similar degree of concern about upsetting other permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, some of whom were strongly opposed to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq, Bush responded, "That's 'cause they don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose!"
Most members of the Bush administration, including Secretary of State Colin Powell and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, are at a loss to explain the abrupt shift in the President's position with respect to Iraq. However, senior policy advisor Jar Jar Binks has a theory: "Meesa thinks Saddam use-a-da jedi mind trick on Dubya."
Mr. Binks is certainly not the first Gungan to reach this conclusion. In fact, it has long been suspected that Saddam Hussein, in addition to being a ruthless dictator, is also a Dark Lord of the Sith.
It is believed that Hussein may have learned how to use the force from the infamous gangster known as Jabba the Hutt. Hussein first rose to prominence in the criminal underworld by smuggling spice between Beirut and Baghdad on behalf of Mr. Hutt.
Hussein has always publicly denied any connection with Jabba or other members of the Al'Vader terrorist network. However, in a recent, exclusive interview with Al-Jezeera television, Mr. Hutt referred to Hussein as "my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive."
Gen. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a former Jedi Knight, as well as Professor Emeritus at the Mos Eisley Centre for International and Intergalactic Relations, has written extensively about the balance of power in the Middle East, and is convinced that President Bush's sudden and dramatic change in foreign policy is the handiwork of a Sith Master: "There is irrefutable evidence that President Hussein used similar tactics against the Kurds and the Iranians. Moreover, I felt a great disturbance in the force at precisely the moment when President Hussein contacted President Bush."
Speculation about Hussein's apparent mastery of the dark side of the force has renewed the age-old debate as to whether the dark side is in fact more powerful than the good. "Not more powerful," assured renowned Jedi Master Yoda, 919, of the Dagobah System. "Quicker, easier, more seductive, it is. But also more dangerous. Once down the dark path you lead, forever will it dominate your destiny."
Gen. Kenobi is convinced that President Bush is destined to follow in the footsteps of his father, George Herbert Walker Bush, who was turned to the dark side by his former master, Ronald Reagan. Gen. Kenobi points specifically to the fact that President Bush will be forced to work very closely with the United States Congress in order to further his legislative agenda. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than on Capitol Hill," he said.
If it was a jedi mind trick that caused President Bush to abandon the war in Iraq, Gen. Kenobi was asked why none of the other leaders of the allied forces seem to have been affected. "The force can be very influential," he explained, "but only on the weak-minded."