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Orange Alert Measures in Place at Nation's Tanning Parlours

SatiricPress.com

PHILADELPHIA, PA (SP) — With the recent spate of Orange Alerts issued by the Department of Homeland Security, tanning parlours nationwide have stepped up their vigilance. They will now be conducting security checks on clients whose skin tone raises suspicion.

"What we are seeing is a startling increase in the number of tanners who, perhaps through overuse of tanning creams or tanning beds in general, are taking on a distinctly orange skin color," said Dwayne Butler, manager of Year Round Sun Tanning in Philadelphia. "That is especially disturbing during these times, what with [Department of Homeland Security Secretary] Tom Ridge issuing Orange Alerts every week."

The incidence of orange-hued tanners is especially severe in northern states, likely because of the longer, sun-deprived winters there. In addition to tanning parlours, fitness clubs, which often provide limited tanning facilities, have also seen worrying increases amongst their clienteles.

"With the proliferation on the market of products with names like 'Fake Bake' and 'Sunless Maxi Tan', it's little wonder that some of these people with pale, winter skin are gonna overdo it," added Butler. "We've been in communication with Homeland Security, and we'll ensure that each case is documented and investigated, as they've requested, during every Orange Alert period."

Whereas the profile of those considered possible national security risks is that of 18-to-30 year-old males born in the Middle East, the demographic most at risk of taking on an orange color seems to be the 20-to-35 year-old Caucasian population, with females in the slight majority. Statistics are not available on the rates of occurrence in the African American and Hispanic populations.

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